Since the beginning of the year, I have started to see a new meaning to the words "Take up your cross and follow me". I have seen that God's plans are not my plans. Also, I see that He uses any and everything to accomplish the plans that He has for His people. I have been recently trying to find a job in the bay area as a paramedic and by the looks of it, that may not happen. The economy is really hurting trying to find work here and nobody is hiring. I have called every single county in the bay area, from Marin to Contra Costa to Santa Cruz and everyone says "Feel free to put in an app, but we're not hiring now and not sure when we will". A good friend of mine recently suggested that I look outside the bay area for work. That on it's own is a really scary thing for me. I was born in the bay area, and have lived here my entire life. I have never been away from this small chunk of earth for more than a week or two, and the furthest I have ever gone from here is Vancouver, Canada and Hawaii. So on a whim, I called AMR in Santa Barbara and they called me back and it sounds like they are hiring and invited me down to test. However, due to stuff with the state, I could not make it. However, it has been on my mind recently about leaving and "taking up my cross" and have realized that I am terrified to leave my comfort zone and fully jump into what God has for me. I am scared to leave everything that I have ever known and go somewhere brand new and completely start over. Over the last few years especially, I have been blessed enough to develop a close group of friends that I really care about, who care about me, and that we can all just be real with each other. I am terrified to leave all of that and go to a place where I don't know anybody. After I talked to the lady from AMR the other day, she said that they are gonna send an app in the mail, so just fill it out and send it in. I am going to give a shout to a really, really wise friend of mine (Dot). I was talking to her about this, and said that I was just thinking don't send it back and don't risk losing everything. She has a really wise response to this. She said "Let God close the door, don't try to do it yourself". It's community like that this that I have come to be so thankful for and see how blessed I am. But I think about the words God said to His people a long time ago in Jeremiah:
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
And also again in Mark :
34 Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.35 For whoever wants to save their life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36 What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? 37 Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?
Theses things have just been really hanging over my head the last few weeks, and I have found myself in a place of waiting and seeing how He will lead me. Just being honest, I am scared about where and what that may lead to.